Workers Control the Means of Reproduction Productions Present...

  Carry On Communism

(Part 23)

The Story so far...

Karl Marx invented scrabble, but called it "Marxism". Unfortunately for him, before he could reach the patent office, Waddingtons games stole the idea and called it "Scrabble", so Marx decided to attribute the name to a political doctrine which he was working on.

Meanwhile, Lenin, annoyed at having his Union Jack underpants stolen from his washing line and sick of having his beard laughed at, came up with a system whereby all citizens were required to have false beards. He distanced himself from Marxism after Marx accused him of cheating at Snakes and Ladders. He then came up with the idea of Communism, which was originally the name Elvis Presley gave to his dog. His friend, Stalin (an Elvis Impersonator until someone stole his wig) joined the movement and came up with it's chilling slogan : "If you're Going to Bump it, Bump it With a Trumpet". Meanwhile, Herb Alpert XXIII, the former Czar, is planning to take over Russia from his rock stall on Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Our episode begins with former President Gorbachev and his fat comrade wife walking along Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

"I say, good comrade wife <dirty laugh>. Isn't that the former Czar?"

"No, dear. That's Johnny Mathis dressed as Santa singing "Up, up and away in my beautiful balloon".

Meanwhile, Rob McKuen, after watching "Celebrity Squares" with a wastepaper basket on his head, is trying to write "Seasons in the Sun".

What will happen now?

Well, read on...

<Cut to President Yoko Ono, played by bubbly Barbera "Babs" Windsor, sitting in the Whitehouse office, trying to think up an advertising campaign to persuade the American public of the dangers of playing with Herb Alpert's trumpet, whilst her advisor, Spud McKenzie (a dog) is playing a video loop of Jim Reeves reciting his classic poem "The American Way of Life is not up for Negotiation" whilst masturbating into a vat of diet Pepsi.>

"It's the real thing" he said.

"Did you know that 9 out of 10 people think the world is a better place after drinking a can of Coke?" said Yoko Ono suddenly.

"Mr. President - Let's bomb Russia," advised Spud McKenzie.

"You can't do that" said the voice of Yma Sumac's conscience. "You're a dog".

"You can talk," replied Spud. "Hey, Yoko, did you know that in a certain light, you look like Myra Hindley" he added.

"No, that was my bottom" Yoko explained, putting them back on again. "Now shut up and drink your Budweiser before I send Mary Whitehouse around to squirt 4 pints of 7UP up your 'august tinkle tinkle'."

"That sounds like a rather good idea for a song," added Val Doonican and his sweater (not related to Val Singleton despite the similarity of the name).

"What is Val Singleton doing here?" asked Spud.

"That wasn't Val Singleton. They aren't related at all," asserted Yma Sumac, who was being kept locked in a cupboard until the unlikely event that World Music should become popular again.

Then without warning another Spud McKenzie walks in. "Hi," it said, quickly quaffing a can of Canadian crud. "I'm your stunt double" it continued.

"Go on, do a stunt then" chided the first Spud McKenzie.

"Give WOMAD all of your money" added Yma Sumac, helpfully.

"I can chase my tail" offered Spud McKenzie's stunt double.

"Not good enough" said everyone else (simultaneously because they all watch the same soap operas).

<lights dissolve>
<cue health, safety and hygiene music>

A bunch of stern-looking ITC execs are watching a monitor.

"Can we say 'Claire Raynor' before 9pm?" asked one.

"Only if she squirts it with this" says another, holding a clear bottle of innocent looking blue liquid.

A genie appears out of the bottle suddenly. It looks at them and says "Well? Aren't you going to give me three wishes? I've been in that bottle for four hundred years. The least you can do is give me three wishes".

"Put on that eye-patch," said one of the execs. The genie complied, and then stood on a chair just in case.

"Right, you seem tall enough. The job's yours" announced the exec. "You can play 'Man with Patch in Lift'."

  Comrade Blower

Meanwhile in Russia, in a secret room on the top floor of the Kremlin with a sign on the door saying "Secret Office of Comrade Blower" (in Japanese so no one will know)...

"Comrade Blower," said a young KGB Sprog, whispering in case anyone should hear. "Your two new spies are here to see you. May I introduce Comrade Tickle and Comrade Slap."

"I always fancy a bit of tickle and slap" replied comrade blower, quickly putting on a tape of his very dirty laugh indeed.

Another KGB sprog comes in and says "Comrade Blower, the ambassador from Lesbia is here to see you."

"Right," answers Comrade Blower, clapping his hands and meaning business. "Slap and Tickle - in the cupboard. Shut the door and get the furry hats on, the Lesbians have landed!"

The ambassador enters, donning Levi jeans, leather jacket and "New York Shits" baseball cap. "Hi, Comrade," she says. "Seen any good looking chicks or maybe Charles Hawtrey lately? I've just run over a statue of Trotsky in my truck".

"That's a funny place to keep a statue of Trotsky. I thought all of the statues of Trotsky were in Mexico screwing surrealist painters..."

Then Spud Mackenzie walks in with an Uzi and says "Ok you commies, the fun's over. We're going to force feed you Bedweiser and MacDonald's Slob-Burgers."

"I'm not a communist, I'm Sigmund Freud" said the Ambassador, "and you've all got anal fixation complexes" she added hopefully.

Then man with patch in lift comes in and says "Well? Isn't anyone going to use the lift? I've been in this lift for four hundred years. The least someone can do is use the lift".

"Where's Rod McKuen?" asked Spud. "What we need at a time like this is a wholesome, non-communist, god-fearing American folk singer called Rod."

"I can play 'Anarchy in the UK' on these spoons" said man with eye-patch and two spoons in lift.

"This isn't as funny as part 1 is it?" asked Yoko Ono.

"That's 'cause I'm not in it as much," said Herb Alpert and his Tijuana Brass, suddenly bursting into West Side Story with the help of the rotting corpse of Leonard Bernstein and 500 non-existent doormice doing the Mexican Shuffle.

And then, to the sound of "It's Only Just Begun" by the Carpenters, all the people in Russia join their dirty hands and dance around a giant autographed statue of Beryl Reid signed "To Trotsky, doh you are a very naughty boy, love Beryl". The enslaved world is freed, the dark forces of communism are defeated, market forces reign, freedom is slavery, war is peace, Coke is it.

 

The End
Fin

Coming soon-

Part 18 : Glasnost - a new kind of slug-pellet and why Judy Collins doesn't play the tuba on "Both Sides Now".

Bet you can't wait

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