To start of this sixth casebook, we have a problem from Mella:
I can't stop smoking.
Doggie's interest is ignited (ho, ho)
The first thing I have to say is that not only have I seen this problem many many times before, but being a beagle I can completely sympathise, and so can my beagle friends (particularly my old schoolmate 'Subject#249'). We would spend many an evening hanging around the labs watching TV, fagging and puffing - and smoking, too! I've heard though that there is a cure for smoking called cancer. I'd try that if I were you - you'll stop in no time!
This Medical problem was submitted anonymously.
Dear dr doggie. Recently I have noticed that I am getting smelly bogeys (excuse the language!). they have a smell a bit like onion and I would like to know how to help this.
Well, this is a sticky problem (Oooh! Snot Humour!)
By any chance do the bogies taste like onions as well? If so then I know exactly what the problem is – The snot fairy has been coming around stuffing little bits of onion up your nose. If you get a lot of them occasionally you may wish to use them as a garnish on Hot Dogs. I know I do. Harvey likes to call them ‘Snot Dogs’. Oooh, how we all sit around laughing at his wit (or else). You see what he did there? He took the work "Hot" from "Hot Dogs" and replaced it with "Snot". He’s so funny.
Seriously though, the best way of masking the smell of onions is with our good friend Mister Garlic. One clove up each nostril can be discrete and help keeps vampires (any everyone else) at bay.
Perkie is a seething mass of hatred
Dear Dr Doggie,
My problem is I am pathologicaly jealous of a work collegue. I am a bespectacaled balding person, and he has got a pefectly boufanted head of hair. He has always got a pretty young woman sat next to him, and the last straw was when I discovered he had just bought a new power shower with a boufant washing attatchment. Please help me, I am at my wits end with worry.
Doctor Doggie can make you nice:
No need to worry everything is just simply fabulous. Using my amazing artistic prowess I have created an artists impression of what this person will look like in ten years time, while you will still be a bald speccy git who can't pull. Be happy in the knowledge that the only pretty young women sitting next to this guy will soon be of the inflatable variety.
All the best. Doggie.
I do not no what my hamster needs
I know what your hamster needs.
Mound is Mutated:
I have two heads and four arms. People don't notice but i feel insecure as i'm just about to turn 18. What shall i do as i have been living in a convent but have to leave next summer 05. I will be in the spotlight and will have to get used to tv and journalists. Please help me.
Bow before Doggie's wisdom and squeal:
I have seen this problem many time before. You are in fact two completely different people, with single personality disorder. I suggest that you pull yourselves together. Numbnuts.
The final entry is from Aardappelsap, who does not have a made-up name, and wrote this:
I once said in my sleep 'i like the usa'.
Am i going to die?
Is it to late already?
I inhale 5 hamsters a day though, like the doctor ordered.
(ps: greets from the netherlands, great site :)
Doggie greets you from the nether regions:
Yes, you are going to die, you never know when though. Make sure that you check the cupboards before bed time. And under the bed.
And, yes it is to late. You only know that it's about to happen when you hear and Extraordinary Rendition of the "A-Team" theme tune played on the Kazoo.
I think your doctor told you to impale five hamsters a day. I do.